Dependence day

Begging God daily is the right place to be | Andrée Seu

I've been waiting for the day when I can amass just enough spiritual capital to achieve some independence and not have to go begging God for every little thing.

I have envisioned what it would look like: I would have read enough of the great books to be respectable in polite society. I would be over the sleep slump that leaves me stupid with exhaustion. I would have attained enough competence in some skill area to "amount to something." I would possess surplus of purity of heart the way I have stockpiles of paper towels in the pantry, not having to fight for it anew every day in prayer.

I always think it's just around the corner, this restful coasting. In the meantime, I'm constantly desperate for God. "Here comes Andrée again, asking for a clean heart," He must say. Once my son Jae dropped in at the café and watched fascinated as two students prayed at least five minutes before their meal. "God must be looking at His watch," he whispered wryly.