If you’ve been figuring out your taxes, numbers may be dancing in your brain like visions of sourplums. So, for this fourth annual pre-April 15 Tax Day joke column (we’ll post half today and half on Monday), I’d like to write about the three kinds of people in the world: Those who can count and those who can’t.
Willie and Joe were two of the counters. Once they went fishing and rented rods, reels, and wading suits, along with a rowboat, a car, and a cabin in the woods. Day after day they caught nothing. On the last day of their vacation, Willie caught a fish. As they drove home, depressed, Willie said, “Do you realize this one lousy fish cost us $2,000?” Joe replied, “Good thing we didn’t catch more.”
After Willie and Joe shared a couple of beers, Joe became sentimental: “We’ve been friends for years. I’d do anything for you. If I had a million dollars, I’d give you half.” Willie replied, “And what if you had a hundred dollars?” Joe said, “That’s not a fair question. I’ve got a hundred dollars.”
Joe figured one reason he hadn’t caught any fish is that his hearing was bad and he couldn’t hear them calling out, “Catch me.” So he did some internet investigation and the following week told Willie, “I just bought a hearing aid. It cost $4,000, but it’s perfect.” Willie asked, “What kind is it?” Joe replied, “12:30.”
Willie stopped at Joe’s house one day and was surprised to find him watching MSNBC. “You’re as right-wing as they come,” Willie said. “Are you a masochist?” Joe responded, “Not at all. I used to watch Fox News, but the commentators kept complaining about the mistakes conservatives made. On MSNBC, though, I’m always hearing that conservatives control this and that and are on the verge of taking over. It makes me feel so much better.”
Joe showed Willie his very smart dog who learned to write haikus—those three-line Japanese poems with (essentially) a 5-7-5-syllable scheme. Here’s are three of the dog’s output:
- “My human is home! … I am so happy I have … Made a puddle.
- “I am your best friend, … Now, always, especially … When you are eating.”
- “I love you so much … May I now thrust my big head … inside your armpit?”