It's an Obama-ful life!

Campaign 2012

The Obama campaign's new "Life of Julia" slideshow is a feminist fantasy about cradle-to-grave protection from slash-and-burn Visigoths like Mitt Romney. And it's begging for parody:

Julia is born in the first year of Barack Obama's first term. Her share of the national debt is $31,500, give or take a few thousands.

Age 4: Julia is enrolled in Head Start. Everything she learns there her mother could have taught her much more effectively, but her mother's been conditioned to believe federal hype about Head Start, even though the actual results aren't that impressive.

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Age 6-20: Julia endures a mediocre public education compromised by state teachers unions, which are some of Obama's biggest contributors. By the time she's ready for college, tuition costs are so out of hand that all she can afford are cooking classes at a community college.

Age 21-31: Julia dreams about starting a bakery during Michelle Obama's first term, but FDA regulations are too costly and sugar has been rationed. She thinks about building a house on a piece of land left to her by her grandmother, but the EPA declares it wetlands. She begins cleaning houses and gains enough clients to consider hiring employees, but the costs of liability and benefits wouldn't increase her profits enough to make it worthwhile.

Age 32: Julia gets pregnant by one of her successive relationships (in spite of government-paid birth control). She could abort the baby, but her biological clock is telling her she wants one. The boyfriend doesn't stick around, but that's no big deal-Julia's father didn't either. When her son Zachary is born, his share of the national debt is somewhere in the neighborhood of $150,000.

Age 33-64: Zachary is enrolled in Head Start's expanded all-day preschool as soon as he's old enough, because arranging babysitting is a continual headache. Lacking steady, focused attention from his mom as well as mentoring from a reliable father figure, he becomes a problem in middle school. By the time he's ready for college, the tuition bubble has finally exploded, but there's no money for student loans, because student loans from his mother's generation haven't been paid back thanks to Obama's pandering for young-adult votes during his second presidential campaign. Zachary is angry and bitter.

Age 65-70: Julia can't retire at age 65 because Social Security is broke. But her health has become so poor (Obamacare is broke, too) that she has to quit anyway. Her house is paid off but she can't afford needed repairs or property taxes so she applies to a government-run retirement facility. To supplement their ration of rice and beans, the residents plant a community garden and fight over who does what for how much. Because Julia isn't able to do as much work as others, her share is a pittance. But she's allowed to plant an azalea bush.

Zachary pays one visit to his mother, which turns into a shouting match about how, thanks to severe austerity measures imposed on the United States by its creditors, his options are even more constrained than hers. His share of the national debt is inconceivable. Before leaving, he throws an overripe tomato at her collectible "Big Brother Obama" poster, over her protests. Didn't Obama do the best he could during his four terms? If it hadn't been for those … she's forgotten the name of those evil people.

Her only tangible family now is an azalea bush-and Obama. She loves Obama.

Janie B. Cheaney
Janie B. Cheaney

Janie lives in Missouri, is a columnist for WORLD, writes novels for young adults, and is the author of the Wordsmith creative writing series. She also reviews books at RedeemedReader.com. Follow Janie on Twitter @jbcheaney.


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