| Linguist Deborah Tannen's book You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation brought her national attention. The book was neither scholarly nor self-helpish, but with plentiful examples showed that much miscommunication between men and women arises from different conversational styles. In her new book, I Only Say This Because I Love You, Ms. Tannen analyzes communication within families, especially among adult children and their parents, and adult siblings. Again she uses lots of examples of real conversations to show how we communicate with words but also with meta-messages that underlie words. Within families, she says, people use language to connect but also to control-and sometimes we misread intentions, hearing criticism where caring was intended. Ms. Tannen has a gift for picking apart conversations. Whether she's writing about parent-teen interaction, in-law issues, mother-daughter relationships, or sibling rivalry, she shows how gender, region, and history can contribute to misunderstanding. Sometimes relationships break down because of sinful communication, but sometimes we see sin or bad motives when the problem is really misunderstanding. As Christmas reunites families, those who feel alienated may benefit from Ms. Tannen's wonderful job of understanding misunderstandings. |
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