Dispatches > Quotables

Quotables

Issue: "Missionary hostages," Feb. 20, 1998

No more fast-food work for me-I've got a career in science!

Motto of Bob Helms's newsletter Guinea Pig Zero. After losing his job a year ago, the 40-year-old man became a professional guinea pig who submits to experiments by the government and private research organizations. He makes about $30,000 a year.

We've looked high and low and can't find it, and we're sorry.

Northwest Airlines spokesman Jim Faulkner, on the carrier's loss of motion-picture footage air-couriered from Minneapolis to Los Angeles. The film is about two brothers who stumble onto $4 million in a plane crash and decide to keep the money.

We can't have drivers amputating people's limbs.

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State assemblyman Scott Stringer, complaining about dangerous-driving cabbies in New York City. He was referring to an accident last month in which a woman's leg had to be amputated after a careening cab pinned her to a light post. He has proposed requiring cabs to sport a "How's My Driving?" bumper sticker.

It certainly has some unintended consequences.

Iowa state representative Dwight Dinkla, commenting on proposed legislation banning sex acts in certain public places. As written, the bill, which is aimed at prostitution rings at interstate rest stops, might have the effect of enforcing celibacy in the governor's mansion. Gov. Terry Branstad is married.

If it causes you problems, you don't have to buy it. It's a free country.

Brownsburg, Ind., mother Linda Blackburn, in The Washington Post, on Procter & Gamble and Frito-Lay's decision last week to roll out no-fat snack products nationwide. Two years ago, the Food and Drug Administration approved the use of Olestra, a fat substitute, in snacks. "Public-health advocates" are up in arms, calling the release a vast experiment on the public.

I ... asked [the postmaster] why it had been delayed, and what happened to it, but they had no explanation.

Devant Johnson of Orangeburg, S.C., explaining his frustration at receiving a $1,000 check from his son last month, 10 years late. The envelope containing the check was postmarked Sept. 26, 1988.

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